954 


UC-NRLF 


SB    111 


o 


PLAYGOERS 


A    DOMESTIC    EPISODE 


BY 
ARTHUR    PINERO 


COPYRIGHT,  1913,  BY  SAMUEL  FRENCH,  LTD. 


NEW  YOHK 
SAMUEL  FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30  WEST  38-TH  STREET 


LONDON 

SAMUEL  FRENCH,  LTD. 
26   SOUTHAMPTON   STREET 
STRAND 


PLAYGOERS 


THE  PERSONS  OF  THE  PLAY 

THE  MASTER   , 
THE  MISTRESS 
THE  COOK 
THE  KITCHENMAID 
THE  PARLOURMAID 
THE  HOUSEMAID 
THE  USEFUL  MAID 
THE  ODD  MAN 

SCENE  :    The  Morning-room  of  a  London  house. 


396934 


The  fee  for  each  and  every  representation  of  this 
play  by  Amateurs  is  Five  Dollars,  payable  in  ad- 
vance to  the  sole  agents  of  the  Amateur  rights  of 
representation:  SAMUEL  FRENCH,  28-30  West  38th. 
Street,  New  York  City. 

No  performance  may  be  given  unless  a  written 
permission  has  first  been  obtained. 


PLAYGOERS 

Produced  at  the  St<  James's  Theatre  on  Monday 
evening,  March  31,  1913. 

THE  MASTER .A.  E.  Benedict 

THE  MISTRESS .Mary  Clear* 

THE  COOK Margaret  Yarde 

THE  KITCHENMAID Ivis  Fraser  Pass 

THE  PARLOURMAID Elisabeth  Chesney 

THE  HOUSEMAID Annie  Waldev 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  : .Esme  Chwrch 

THE  ODD  MAN E.  Vivian  'Reynolds 


PLAYGOERS 

The  scene  is  the  morning-room  in  a  house  in  London, 
prettily  decorated  and  furnished.  Facing  the  spec- 
tator there  is  a  broad  window,  through  which  the 
sunlight  enters  from  a  street,  and  in  the  right- 
hand  ivall  a  double-door  opens  into  the  room  from 
the  hall.  On  the  left,  opposite  the  door,  there  is 
the  the  fireplace.  No  fire  is  burning  and  the  grate 
is  hidden ,by  ferns  growing  in  pots. 

On  the  right  there  is  a  settee;  at  the  further  end 
of  the  settee  is  a  small  table  with  books  and  news- 
papers upon  it;  and  on  the  left  of  the  table  there 
is  an  armchair.  A  writing-table  stands  near  the 
window  with  a  chair  before  it.  On  the  left  of  the 
room  there  is  a  breakfast-table  upon  which  are  the 
remains  of  a  breakfast  laid  for  two  persons. 
There  is^a  chair  at  the  further  side  of  this  table, 
another  on  its  left;  and  at  the  nearer  side,  some 
little  distance  from  the  table,  is  a  fauteuil-stool. 
An  arm-chair  stands  at  the  further  side  of  the  fire- 
place, and  another  chair  of  a  lighter  sort  at  the 
nearer  side  of  the  door.  Other  articles  of  furni- 
ture— bookcases,  corner-cupboards,  a  cabinet,  etc. 
— occupy  spaces  against  the  itfalls. 

(Note i  Throughout,  "right"  and  "left"  are 
the  spectator's  right  and  left,  not  the  actor's.) 

(The  MASTER  and  the  MISTRESS,  a  good-looking 
young  couple,  are  'seated  at  the  breakfast-table. 
He  is  reading  a  newspaper;  she  is  sipping  her 
tea  and  softly  trilling  a  song.) 

9 


io  PLAYGOERS 

THE  MASTER.     (At  ths  further  side  of  the  tab1*, 
lowering   his  .  paper)      Very    merry   this   morning* 


x<TSl  MTSTRESS.     (On  the  left  of  the  table)     I  a1- 
'  ways  am,  dearest,  on  Stock  Exchange  holidays,  v 
you  are  mine  for  a  who^e  day. 

,    :;.  MAS  •  *  :••      (  tnd  '  \gently  >     Kiss  me; 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Rising  and  putting  her  lips  to 
his  brow  )  Besidesr  I've  a  reason  for  feeling  happy 
jus*  now  cvcr\  dav. 

THE  MASTER.    Reason  -  ? 

THE  MISTRESS.  The  servants.  Have  you  no- 
ticed them? 

THE   MASTER.     I've   noticed  they're   a  new 
(Scoivlin'i)     Rotters! 

THE  MISTRESS.     A  brand-new  lot.     And  p\ 
don't    cnl-    them    rotters.      (Moving   to    the   right  } 
n  convinced  that  at  last  our  miseries 
are  ended  and  that  we  are  in  for  a  run  of  luck. 

THE  MASTER.     (Lighting  a  cigarette)    Good  ; 
iness,  if  that's  the  case! 

THE  MISTRESS.     At  the  present  moment.  En 
dear/  we  have  a  staff  of  domestics  which,  in  my 
opinion,  is  as  near  perfection  as  is  humanly  pos- 

THE  MASTER.     (Without  'enthusiasm)     Huh. 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Sinking  into  the  ami-chair 
the  left  of  the  small  table)     But.  oh. 

THE  MASTER.  Yes,).it  has-been'  "a  devil  of  a  ti 
/  THE  MISTRESS.  I  couldn't  ha've  gone  on  much 
longer  as  we  have  been  going  on.  (Clenching  her 
hands)  Oh,  the  torture  of  the  past  eight  months—- 
the first  eight  months  of  our  married  life  —  when 
everything  should  have  been  rosy  and  ideal  ! 

THE   MASTER.      (Rising   and   approaching    /, 
Nor  ma. 

THE  MISTRESS.    (Animatedly)    Ring  the  bell. 
boy. 

THE  MASTER.    (Going  to  the  fire-place)     Rigr 


PLAYGOERS  n 

THE  MISTRESS.  What  do  you  think  I  am  going 
to  do  .J 

THE  MASTER.  (Ringing. the  bell)  Ask  me  an 
easier  one. 

THE  MISTRESS.  I  worked  it  out  in  my  brain  last 
nijrht.  I  am  going  to  give  them  a  treat. 

THE  MASTER.    Give  who  a  treat? 

THE  MISTRESS.    The  servants,  of  course. 

THE  MASTER.     Oh,  tosh!     When  did  this  new 


gansr  come  in? 


THE  MISTRESS.     How  unobservant  you  are  !     A 
week  ago. 

MASTER.     Hadn't  you  better  wait  a  bit? 
E  MISTRESS.     (Jumping  up)     No,  I  intend  to 
ret  on  a  different  system  with  this  gang,  as  you  term 
it,  and  to  besjin  early.     (Joining  him  in  the  middle  of 
the  rorm)     I  mean  to  show  all  these  cheerful 

^op1e  that  we  are  their  friends  as  well  as  their 
overs,  and  that  we  consider  it  our  duty  to  pro- 
vide them  with  food  for  their  minds  as  well  as  for 
r  —  you  know,  dear. 

his) 

e  have  been  a  little  remiss  in  this 
•:t  up  to  now- 

T]-  (Withdnr^-in-j  his  (inn)     IPsh  ! 

PARLOURMAID  enters,  carrying  a  tray.  She  is  a 
great  deal  .more  ladylike  than  un\  lady  who  has 
r  breathed.) 


:;ss.  (Sweetly)  Thank  you,  I  didn't 
ring  for  you  to  clear,  Beechcroft.  I  wish  to  see  the 
servants 

THE   PARLOURMAID.      (Elevating  her  evebr-.- 

-its  ? 

MISTRESS.     All  of  you,  here. 
E  PARLOURMAID.     (With  a  shade  of  hauteur) 
Nothing  wrong,  I  trust  ? 


12  PLAYGOERS 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Smiling)  Nothing;  quite  the 
contrary. 

THE  PARLOURMAID.    I'll  bring  them  up  as  soon  as. 
finished  our  lunches, 

THE  MISTRESS.  Do.  I  am  sorry  to  have  dis- 
turbed you. 

f.-'P'KE  PARLOURMAID.  I  won't  hurry  them,  or 
they'll  be  eating  their  prawns  without  removing  the 
skins.  (She  retires)) 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Glowingly)  Isn't  she  a  refined 
girl? 

THE  MASTER.  Extremely.  But  I  say.  Pussy.  '* 
it  absolutely  necessary  to  hold  this  confounded 
parade  ? 

THE  MISTRESS.  Not  absolutely;  but  I  want  to 
study  the  expression  of  their  faces  while  you  are 
making  the  announcement.  /(Walking  about), r  Oh, 
Ernest,  i  Anything  in  this  world  equal  to  the 

joy  of  giving  pleasure  to  other 

THE  MASTER.  Oh,  /  make  the  announcement,  do 
I? 

THE  MISTRESS.     Certainly. 

THE  MASTER.  But  I  haven't  heard  yet  what  form 
the  blessed  treat  is  to  take. 

THK  MISTRESS.    A  theatre. 

THE  MASTER.     Theatre? 

THE  MISTRESS.  Yes,  we  are  going  to  send  them 
fro  the  p  iig. 

THE  MASTER/'  My  dear  Norma,  there  are  no  pan- 
tomimes at  this  time  of-  year. 

THE  MISTRESS.  Pantomimes!  These  are  grown- 
up, intelligent  women,  not  a  parcel  of  children. 

THE    MASTER.      (Grnmblingly)  anyhow 

it'll,  be  deucedly  inconvenient  for  us. 

THE  MISTRESS,     (halting)     Why.  pray? 

THE  MASTER.  Who  is  to  cook  and  serve  our 
dinner  ? 

THE  MISTRESS.  Do  we  never  dine  at  a  restaurant? 


PLAYGOERS  13 

THE  MASTER.  Often.  But  we're  not  in  the  habit 
of  marching  out  of  the  house  and  leaving  it  totally 
unprotected. 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Coming  to  him  and  speaking 
very  incisively)  My  dear  husband,  will  you  have  the 
common  fairness  to  tell  me  whether  I  have  said  they 
are  all  to  go  to  the  theatre  on  the  same  night? 

THE  MASTER.    Er — oh,  I  beg  pardon. 

THE  MISTRESS.  I  have  planned  the  affair,  in  my 
head,  down  to  the  smallest  detail.  As  a  matter  of 
fact  they  are  to  go  in  botches. 

TPIE  MASTER.     I  fancy  you  mean  batches. 

THE  MISTRESS.  Don't"  be  so  fond  of  catching  me 
Batches.  Some  one  night,  some  another. 
(Melting)  Oh,  Ernest,  I  am  so  excited  about  it! 
Tum-de-ay ;  tum-de-ay ! 

(She  seizes  him  and  they  do  a  "glide"  round  the 
room.  The  door  opens  again  and  the  PARLOUR- 
MAID returns,  followed  by  the  COOK,  the  USEFUL 
MAID,  the  HOUSEMAID  and  the  KITCHENMAID,  all 
with  their  mouths  full.  The  MASTER  and  the 
MISTRESS  stop  dancing  in  some  confusion.) 

THE  MASTER.     (Under  his  breath)     Dash! 

THE  PARLOURMAID.  (To  the  MISTRESS)  Heah 
they  are.  They  thought  they'd  rather  get  it  ovah. 

THE  MISTRESS.  Delighted.  ( 7  0  the  COOK )  Good 
morning,  Mrs.  Hacket. 

THE  COOK.  (A  stolid,  ponderous  woman)  Good 
mornin',  m'm. 

THE  MISTRESS.  (In  the  middle  of  the  room) 
Will  you  sit  down,  please — will  everybody  sit  down  ? 
Mr.  Dorrington  has  something  to  communicate  to 
you.  Sit  on  the  settee,  some  of  you.  (To  the 
HOUSEMAID,  pointing  to  the  chair  against  the  right- 
hand  wall)  Worringham,  bring  that  chair  forward. 
That's  right ;  I  want  you  all  to  be  comfortable. 
(Obviously  oppressed  by  the  mystery  shrouding  the 


J4  PLAYGOERS 

proceedings,  the  COOK,  the  KITCHENMAID  and  the 
USEFUL  MAID  seat  themselves  upon  the  settee,  the 
PARLOURMAID  enthrones  herself  in  the  chair  on  the 
left  of  the  small  table,  while  the  HOUSEMAID 
fetches  the  chair  from  the  right  as  direc-ted  and 
sits  in  it  at  the  nearer  end  of  the  settee.} 

THE  MISTRESS.     (To  the  MASTER,  in  a  whisper, 
•'•>'  pushing  him  towards  the  middle  of  the  room) 
Now,  darling. 

(She  sits  upon  the  fauteuil-stool  and  eagerly  watches 
the  servants'  faces.) 

.:f-:  MASTER.  (Addressing  the  servants)  Er— 
h'm — I  shouM  like  you  to  understand  that  this  is  an 
idea  of  Mrs  Dorrington's — her  idea  eiv  Er — 

Mrs.  Dorrimrton  desires  me  to  say — ei  'o  the 

COOK,  who  is  steadily  munching — irr  \  am 

afraid  you're  not  nearly  through  with  your  lunch. 

(The   COOK,    moving   her  jaws   regularly,    regards 
hint  ziith  dull  eyes  and  offers  no  reply.) 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Reprovingly')     Ernest! 

THE  MASTER.  (With  an  effort)  I  repeat,  I  am 
desired  hy  Mrs.  Dorrington  to  say — —  (The  ODD 
MAN  enters  quietly,  close's  the  door,  and  advances 
to  the  back  of  the  settee,  where  he  hikes  up  an  at- 
titude of  deep  attention.  He  is  a  genial,  beery-look- 
ing individual  in  a  linen  jacket  and'  baize  apron,  and 
with  a  dirty  leather  in  his  hand)  Who's  this? 

THE  MISTRESS.    The  Odd  Man. 

THE  MASTER.  (In  a  low  voice)  My  hat!  Do 
you  wish  to  include  him? 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Vaguely)  N-no;  I  had'nt 
thought  of  doing  so. 

THE  MASTER.  (To  the  ODD  MAN)  What  do  you 
want? 

THE  ODD  MAN.     (Pointing  to  the  PARLOURM 


PLAYGOERS  15 

I'm  'ere  in  obedjence  to  a  messidge  brought  by  this 
young  lady  while  we  was  'avin'  a  snack  in  the  'all. 

THE  MASTER.    Er (To  the  MISTRESS,  turning 

,     Oh,  you  take  this  on,  Norma. 
THE  MISTRESS.     (Rising)     Look  here — I  forget 
your  name — Gage — 

THE  ODD  MAN.  Gale,  m'm.    G-a-l-e — Gale.  Think 
of  wind. 

Thank  you,  there  is  no  need  for 
;  think  of  wind.     Look  here,  Gale,  my  message 

was  to  the  servants 

THE  ODD  MAX.     Egzackly,  m'm 

THE   MISTRESS.     Don't  interrupt  me.     I   meant 

I'gu'ar  ^ervants.  those  who  sleep  in  the  house. 

I've  dropped  off  to  sleep  in  the 

'ouse  more  than  once.     (To  the  COOK)     'Aven't  I, 

'Acket? 

TIIK  M  •  r.u  oughtn't  to  have  done 

r,  I  can't  discuss  the  point  now.     Be 

main  downstairs  in  case  the  tradcs- 

1  rings. 

;  Lingering)  Right  you  are,  m'm, 
een  a  misunderstandin'  on  my  part;  that's  ail 

-.en.     Tin*  best  of  us  is  liable  to  mistakes 

K.     (Rejoining  the  MISTRESS — to  the 
Go  away ;  go  away. 
TH  on  chin  tj  his  forehead)     Fust 

time  Ive  a'd  the  pleasure  o'  seein'  you,  sir 

THE  MASTER.    The  loss  has  been  mutual. 

IAN.     That  is,  to  'ave  a  conversation, 



3 ;  go  away. 

THE  ODD  MAN.     (Producing  a  soiled  and  torn  pa- 
pocket)  Where's  my  list  o'  dooties — ? 
THE  MASTER.    You've  got  it.    Run  along. 
THE  ODD  MAN.     (Whistling)  Phiou!  Lucky  I'm 
not  required  'ere.    My  busy  mornin'.     (He  departs) 
THE  MISTRESS.     (To  the  MASTER,  reseating  her- 


16  PLAYGOERS 

self  upon  the  fauteuil-stool)     Start  afresh,  darling. 

THE  MASTER.  (Resuming  his  address)  Er — h'm 
—as  I  have  already  informed  you,  I-  am  desired  by 

Mrs.  Dorrington  to — er (To  the  COOK,  who  is 

still  munching)     For  heaven's  sake,  Mrs.  Thinga- 
my, swallow  and  have  done  with  it ! 

THE  MISTRESS.  Ernest!  (The  COOK  gulps  pain- 
fully) Oh,  Ernest! 

THE  MASTER.    Sorry — sorry. 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Faintly)  Oh,  dear!  (To  the 
MASTER)  Once  more. 

THE  MASTER.  ( To  the  Servants)  I  am  desired  by 
Mrs.  Dorrington  to  say.  that- — er — in  consideration 
of — er — your  long  and  valuable  services 

THE  MISTRESS.     Ernie! 

THE  MASTER.    Hay? 

THE  MISTRESS.     Only  a  week! 

THE  MASTER.  (Hastily)  I  know,  I  know— 
(To  the  Servants)  In  consideration  of  the  long  and 
valuable  services  which  we  have  every  reason  to— 
er — hope  and  to — er — expect 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Prompting  him)  You  will 
render  us 

THE  MASTER.  N(To  the  Servants)  — every  reason 
to- hope  and  expect  that  you  will  render  us,  it  is  her 
wish — our  joint  wish,  in  fact — to  give  you  occasion- 
ally a  little — how  shall  1  describe  it? — 

THE  MISTRESS./ Treat. 

THE  MASTER.     Distraction^ 

MISTRESS.     Wholesome  amusement. 

THE  MASTER.     And  this  being  our  intention 
propose  to  begin  by  sending  you  all  to  the  play 

THE  MISTRESS.     The  theatre — 

THE  MASTER.     The  theatre.    And — er — and 

(To    the    MISTRESS)      That's   all,    I    believe, 
Norma  ? 

fE  MISTRESS.     (To  the  MASTER)     Thank  you, 
st.  (Beaming  upon  the  Servants')  Well?  Well? 


PLAYGOERS  17 

( There  is  silence.  The  PARLOURMAID  tidies  her  hair 
fastidiously.  The  HOUSEMAID,  a  solemn-visaged 
young  woman,  looks  down  her  nose  and  tightly  com- 
presses her  lips.  The  COOK'S  face  remains  a  blank. 
The  USEFUL  MAID,  a  thin,  arnaemic  girl,  stares  into 
space  with  watery  c\es.  The  KITCHENMAID,  crushed 
into  the  further  corner  of  the  settee  by  the  COOK. 
is  almost  completely  hidden)  W-w-well? 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  (Suddenly  breaking  into 
sobs  and  searching  for  her  handkerchief)  O'ho — 

o'ho— o'ho ! 

[E  MASTER    .(To  the  MISTRESS)     Eh?    What 
the ! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  MASTER)  H'sh-sh-sh! 
(To  the  USEFUL  MAID,  soothingly)  Now.  Trinder, 
Trimler,  do  try  to  control  yourself. 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  (Wiping  her  eyes)  O'ho — 
o'ho !  Such  wonderful  kindness  I've  never  ex- 
perienced in  any  situation  I've  been  in! 

THE  MASTER.  (To  the  MISTRESS,  in  a  whisper) 
Is  she  always ? 

THE  MISTRESS.  (In  the  same  tone,  nodding)  In- 
clined to  be  a  little  hysterical — u'm. 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  (To  the  MISTRESS)  You're 
the  nicest  lady  I've  had  anything  to  do  with.  O'ho 
— o'ho — o'ho ! 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Gently)    Trinder— Trinder—  f 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  Mr.  Dorrington  too!  Oh, 
what  a  th-th-th-thorOugh  gentleman ! 

THE  MASTER.  (To  the  MISTRESS)  The  useful 
Maid,  isnt  she  ? 

THE  MISTRESS.    (Nodding  again)    Yes. 

THE  MASTER.     (Sardonically)    Ha,  ha,  ha,  ha! 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Indignantly)     Ernest! 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  (To  the  MASTER)  You 
must  excuse  me,  sir.  I'm  a  trifle  run  down ;  that's 
the  truth.  (To  the  MISTRESS)  Isn't  it,  m-m-madam? 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Assentinglv)     Below  par. 


i8  PLAYGOERS 

THE   USEFUL   MAID.      I've   been   talking   about 
taking  a  tonic  for  ever  so  long.     This  decides  me. 
(^  THE  MASTER.     (To  the  USEFUL  MAID) 
under  the  Insurance  Act 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Reproachfully}     Ernie! 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.     O'ho — o'ho — o'hox 

THE  MISTRESS.  .  (To  the  USEFUL  MAro:/)  H'sh, 
h'sh,  h'sh!  There,  there!  Pull  yourself  together.  I 
am  glad  you  appreciate  what  we  are  doing  for  you. 
(To  the  COOK,  brightly}  Now,  Mrs.  Racket,  it's 
your  turn.  Let  us  hear  what  you  have  to  say. 

THE  COOK.     (Heavily)     Me,  m'm? 

THE  MISTRESS.  The  treat — the  visit  to  the  the- 
atre ?  Wake  up,  Mrs.  Racket ! 

THE  COOK.    Apolergizin'  for  the  question,  m'm, 
I  persoom  this  playgoin'  ain't  intended  to  interfere 
with  out  usual  outs? 
.  THE  MISTRESS.    (Blankly)  Interfere  with  your — :? 

THE  COOK.  Becos  I  don't  think  that  'ud  be  ap~ 
preshayted  by  the  gals,  by  any  manner  o'  means. 

THE  MASTER.  (Looking  at  the  MISTRESS)  Upon 
my  soul ! 

THE   MISTRESS.      (Rising,  stiffly)      Extraordin- 
Thc  MASTER  and  the  MISTRESS  change  places) 
Of  course  your  usual  nights  out  will  not  be  inter- 
i  with. 

THE  O)OK.     I  mealy  arst. 

ESS.    Really,  Mrs.  Racket ! 

•  h,  COOK.    No  offence,  m'm. 

MISTRESS.        (Tapping  her  foot  upon   the 
floor)     Not  the  least. 

THE  COOK.  Then  it  'ud  best  be  on  a  Monday- 
night,  if  it's  to  be  at  all. 

THE  MISTRESS.     If  it's  to  be ! 

(ODD  MAN  reappears,  closing  the  door  as  before.) 

THE  MASTER.     Here's  that  fellow  again! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  ODD  MAN)  What  is  it, 
Gage? 


PLAYGOERS  19 

THE  ODD  MAN.     (Advancing)    Gale,  m'm.  Think 
of  wind. 

THE  MISTRESS.      (Hotly)     I  shall  not  think  of 
wind.     Does  anybody  want  Mrs.  Hacket? 

THE  ODD  MAN.     (Leaning  upon  the  back  of  the 
settee)     Not  that  I'm  aweer,  m'm. 

THE  MASTER.      (Changing  plaes  with  the  MIS- 
TRESS)    Then,  confound  you—  — ! 

it's  like  this,   sir.     I've  been 

turnin'  the  lady's  remark  over  in  my  mind,  as  to  my 
not  bein'  a  reg'lar  servant 

THE  MASTER.     Oh,  pickles  ! 

THE  ODD  MAN.     An'  the  concloosion  I  'ave  ar- 
rived at 

THE  MASTER.    You  will  arrive  at  a  still  speedier 
usion,  so  far  as  this  establishment  is  concerned, 
if  you're  not  careful. 

THE  MISTRESS.    Most  assuredly. 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (Argumentatively)  Yer  see,  sir, 
my  p'int  is 

THE  MASTER.  Your  pint!  It  looks  as  if  your 
pint  had  been  a  gallon. 

THE  MISTRESS.    Ha! 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (Ignoring  the  suggestion)  My' 
p'int  is,  that  if  a  employer  takes  out  a  Inland  Rev- 
enoo  licence  for  a  'Andy  Man 

THE  MASTER.  How  dare  you  attempt  to  argue 
with  me! 

THE  O  .  That  constitoots  'im  a  re'lar 
servant.  Therefore 

THE  MISTRESS.    Go  away. 
HE  MASTER.     Go  away. 

THE  MISTRESS.    Keep  in  the  basement. 

THE  MASTER.    Outrageous! 
MISTRESS.     What  next? 
Oi>i>  MAN.     (Producing  his  paper  again,  re- 
signedly)    Where's  my  list  o'  dooties  ? 

MASTER.     You've  already  referred  to  it. 


i  ± 
Tt 


20  PLAYGOERS 

THE  MISTRESS.     It's  getting  worn  out. 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (Moving  slowly  to  the  door)  I'm 
gittin*  wore  out,  fairly. 

THE  MISTRESS.     Oh -! 

THE  MASTER.    Be  off  ! 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (At  the  door,  reading  his  paper) 
Hullol  Phiou!  Winders!  (He  withdraws) 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Walking  away  to  the  fireplace) 
Oh !  Oh !  (Pacing  up  and  down)  Terribf  e  person ! 

THE  MASTER.  (Pacing  up  and  down  the  middle 
o.f  the  room)  Dreadful  creature!  (Gradually  calm- 
ing himeslf)  Oh,  lor'!  (Wiping  his  brow)  Stupid 
to  allow  one's  self  to  be  upset  by  trifles.  Ha.  ha,  ha ! 
(To  the  PARLOURMAID)  Well,  my  good  girl — -phew! 
—what  observations  have  you  to  favor  us  with,  eh? 

THE  PARLOURMAID.  -(Languidly)  Observations? 
With  regawd  to  the  theatah? 

THE  MASTER.  Precisely ;  with  regawd  to  the 
theatah 

THE  PARLOURMAID.  Oh,  I'm  quite  agreeahble, 
I'm  shaw. 

TIIK  MASTER.    Agreeable! 

THE  MISTRESS.     Agreeable! 

THE  PARLOURMAID  Provided  an  extrah  seat 
next  to  mine  is  booked  for  my  friend. 

THE  MASTER.    Your ? 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Coming  to  the  breakfast-table) 
Friend  ? 

TIFE  MASTER.    Who- ? 

THE  PARLOURMAID.  My  fyonsay.  I  nevah  at- 
tend places  of  amusement  unaccompanied  by  my 
friend. 

THE  MASTER.  (At  a  loss)  Er — indeed?  (To 
the  MISTRESS)  Perhaps  you  had  better  deal  with 
this,  Norma. 

(The  MISTRESS  advances  and  the  MASTER  seats  him- 
self upon  the  fauteuil-stool  and  glares  at  nothing 

in  particular) 


PLAYGOERS  21 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  PARLOURMAID)  This  is 
the  first  I've  heard  of  a  young,  man,  Beechcroft. 
How  long  have  you  and  he  been  walking  out? 

THE- PARLOURMAID.  (Raising  her  eyebrows  higher 
than  ever)  Walking  out? 

THE  MISTRESS.     Keeping  company. 

THE  PARLOURMAID.     Keeping  company? 

THE  MISTRESS.  Keeping  company.  Don't  I  speak 
p'.ainly  ? 

THE  PARLOURMAID.  (Loftily)  I've  known  him 
for  yeahs.  But  our  engagement  wasn't  announced 
to  our  respectful  families  till  Febyouaryry. 

THE  MISTRESS.  Respective,  not  respectful.  If 
you  wouldn't  try  to  use  words  that  are  beyond  you — 
telephone-bell  rings  in  the  hall)  Telephone. 
(The  PARLOURMAID  rises  and  saunters  to  the  door) 
Look  sharp,  Beechcroft!  (To  the  MASTER,  as  the 
PARLOURMAID  disappears)  I — I — I  suppose  there's 
no  objection -? 

I'm:  MASTER     (Between  his  teeth)  Extra  ticket? 

THE  MISTRESS.     An  additional  ticket? 

THE  MASTER.     (Gratingly)     I  suppose  not. 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  (Indulging  in  another  fit  of 
zvcepuifi)  O'ho — o'ho — o'ho  !  Oh.  what  kindness! 

THE  MASTER.     (Groaning)     Oh! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Stamping  her  foot)  Silence, 
Trinder !  Compose  yourself. 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  O'ho — o'ho — o'ho !  (The 

PARLOURMAID  returns) 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  PARLOURMAID)  Who  is 
it? 

THE  PARLOURMAID.  (Going  back  to  her  chair) 
Wrong  numbah. 

THE  MISTRESS.  Well,  Beechcroft,  Mr.  Dorring- 
ton  and  I  have  weighed  your  application  carefully 
ana  we  have  decided  to  accede  to  it. 

THE  PARLOURMAID.      (Resuming  her  seat)     An 
•;h  fotool  for  mv  friend? 


22  PLAYGOERS 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Graciously)  An  additional 
seat  for  your  friend. 

THE    PARLOURMAID.       (Arranging    her    apron) 
Thenks  a<vvf'ly. 
^THE  MASTER.    Two. 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  MASTER,  surprised)  Two? 

THE  MASTER.  Two  extra  seats — one  for  himself 
and  the  other  for  his  hat. 

TirK  PARLOURMAID.     (To  the  MISTRESS,  resent- 
>     Reahly,  madam ! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  MASTER,  in  a  tone  of 
warning}  Ernest ! 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.     (Stuffing  her  handkerchief 

into  her  mouth}     O'ho — o'ho — o'ho ! 

T^THE -MASTER.    Great  Scot ! 

THE  MISTRESS.     Be  quiet,  Trinder ! 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  Oh,  what  liberality  !  O'ho— 
O'ho !  • 

THE  COOK.  (In  a  deep  voice)  Apolergizin'  for 
Ihe  interruption 

THE  MISTRESS.    (To  the  COOK)    What  now,  Mrs. 

Tit  Apo'ergizin'  for  the  interruption, 'if 

Beechcroft  is  given  permission  to  bring  her  friend, 
I  flhail  expec'  to  'ave  a  ticket  took  for  my  nephew. 

Tiff:  MISTRESS.     Your — nephew!     (The  MASTER 

rises.  <j)lml\  and  silently)     Your ? 

My  fav'rite  nephew. 

TTJE    MISTRESS.      (To    the    MASTER,   falterinylv) 
•t- ? 

THE  MASTER.  (Changing  places  with  the  MIS- 
TRESS— restraining  himself  with  difficulty)  For- 
give me  for  reminding  you,  Mrs.  Hatchet 

TIJF.  MISTRESS.     Racket 

THE  MASTER.  (  With  a  wave  of  the  hand)  ~For- 
j;ive  me  for  reminding  you  that  your  favourite 
nephew  is  not  my  favourite  nephew,  nor  Mrs.  Dor- 
rington's. 


PLAYGOERS  23 

THE   COOK.      Neither   ain't    Beechcroft's    friend 
friend,  comes  to  that. 

(His  fingers  twitching)    -True..- 
THE  MISTRESS.     (To  the  COOK)     What  is  he — 
this  nephew? 

THE  COOK.     'E's  a  Dog-exerciser. 
THE  MISTRESS.     Dog-exerciser! 

THE  MASTER.     Dog ! 

THE  COOK.    'E  exercises  pet-dogs  for  ladies  stay- 
in'  in  'otels— drags  their  animals  round  the  Park. 
;ot  quite  a  big  connection,  Albert  'as.    I  reckon 
Vs  Vad  of  'is  purfesshun 

i STRESS.  (To  the  MASTER,  weakly)  Ernie— 
Albert'll  end  by  'aving  'is  portrait  in 
•Tor  it  is  prophesied. 
THE  MISTRESS.     (To  the  MASTER)     I — I — I  sup- 

th-th-there's  ro  objection ? 

THE  MASTER.    Extra  ticket  ? 

THE  MTSTRKSS.     A-n-n-nother  ticket? 

THE  MASTER.     (Gutturally)     I  suppose  not. 

THE    USEFUL    MAID.      (Unable   to   repress  her 

tears)     O'ho— o'ho — o'ho- 1 

THE  MISTRESS.    Trinder ! 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  Oh,  what  generosity !  Such 
treatment  I've  never  met  with,  the  years  I've  been  in 
service ! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Again  pacing  the  room  on  the 
left)  This  is  maddening! 

(The  telephone-bell  is  again  heard.) 
THE  PARLOURMAID.     (Rising)     Telephone. 
THE  MASTER.     (Furiously)  Damn  the  telephone! 
THE  HOUSEMAID.     (With  a  sudden  jerk  and  a 
shiver)     Ho!    Ho!    My! 

(The  PARLOURMAID  goes  out.) 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Rejoining  the  MASTER  and  ad- 
dressing the  HOUSEMAID  with  asperity).    Oh 
forgetting   you,    Worringham.      We    haven't   heard 


24  PLAYGOERS 

from  you  yet.     How  many  young  men  do  you  wish 
us  to  take, tickets  for? 

THE  HOUSEMAID.     (Severely}     None,  m'm. 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Ironically}  None!  Astonishing! 

THE  MASTER.  (To  the  HOUSEMAID)  Oh,  come! 
A  favourite  cousin ? 

THE  HOUSEMAID.  (Shaking  her  head)  I  have 
been  brought  up  much  more  strict  than  what  most 
girls  in  my  station  of  life  have  been  brought  up,  be- 
ing a  Dissenter,  and  I  have  no  use  for  men,  young 
or  old. 

THE  MASTER.  (With  mock  concern}  You  appal 
me. 

.  THE  HOUSEMAID.  Not  that  men  are  holy  un- 
necessary, mark  you — I  don't  go  so  fur  as  to  main- 
tain that. 

THE  MASTER.  What  a  relief!  Even  that  partial 
Concession—  --  (The  PACLOURMATD  re-enters)  Who 
is  it? 

THE  PARLOURMAID.     Wrong  numbah. 

THE  MASTER.     (Angrily}     Pish! 

THE  PARLOURMAID.  (Returning  to  her  chair) 
Whereah  are  we  ? 

THE  MASTER.    Where  are  we? 

THE  PARLOURMAID.  (Sitting  again)  Where-ah 
have  we  got  to  7*1 

THE  MASTER.  We  have  got! to  the  desolating  dis- 
closure that — er ' 

THE  MISTRESS.     Worringhamr^ — 

THE  MASTER.  That  \Vorringham  has  a  strong 
antipathy  to  the  male  sex. 

THE  PARLOURMAID.     (Disdainfully)     He,  he! 

THE  HOUSEMAID.    (To  the  PARLOURMAID)    Yes, 
you  may  laugh.  Miss  Beechcroft.     (Drawing  herself 
up)     Neither  have  I — I  must  avow  it — neither  have 
f  the  slightest  use  of  theatres,  or  theatre-going. 
ME  MISTRESS.     (Gasping)     Oh! 

THE   HOUSEMAID.      A    select    Cinema   now  find 


PLAYGOERS  25 

again,  p'raps;  but  theatres,  no.  (To  the  MISTRESS) 
And  if  I  may  be  pardoned  the  liberty,  m'm,  I  <fc> 
think  it  would  ha'  been  more  considerate  to  have 
consulted  each  of  us  as  to  our  partic-lar  tastes  and 
1'*kin?s  before  seeking  to  drive  us  all  to  the  play- 
'ouse  as  though  we're  a  flock  o'  sheep. 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Dropping  on  to  the  fauteuil- 
stool)     Well,  I  never! 

THE  MASTER.    By  Jove,  this  caps  everything! 

(The  telephone  bell  rings  again.) 
THE  PARLOURMAID.     (Rising}     Telephone. 
THE  MISTRESS.     (Starting  up )      Damn  the  tele-, 
phone ! 

THE  MASTER.     (To  the  MJ STRESS)     Normal 
•THE  HOUSEMAID.     (Horriped)     Ho!     Ho,  dear! 

(The  PARLOURMAID  goes  out.) 
THE  MASTER.      (To  the  MISTRESS,  in  her  ear) 
t'  lose  your  dignity. 

j  Wildly)     Bah! 

THEM  Keep   your   dignity;    keep   your 

dignity. 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Passing  him  and  going  to  the 
settee)  Where's  Evelyn?  Evelyn! 

THE  MASTER.  (Pacing  the  'room  on  the  left) 
Who's  Evelyn? 

THE  MISTRESS.  The  kitchenmaid.  (Stamping  her 
foot)  Evelyn! 

THF  KITCHENMAID.  (Struggling  to  the  surface) 
Comin',  mum. 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Shaking  her  finger  at  the  KITCH- 
ENMAID as  the  girl  succeeds  in  making  hefself  vis- 
ible) Now  listen  to  me,  Evelyn.  I  won't  stand 
any  nonsense  from  you.  Are  you  a  playgoer? 

THE  KITCHENMAID.  (A  poor  little  object  with. a 
rough  head  of  hair)  I'm  willin'  to  be,  mum.  Fm 
gaime  for  anythink. 

THE  MASTER.  (Exautingly)  Ha,  ha  f  Evelyn  is 
game  for  anything! 


26  PLAYGOERS 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Unsteadily)  Ha,  ha!  That's 
a.  com  fort.  (To  the  KITCHEN  MAID)  And  do  you 
demand  an  extra  ticket,  child,  for  a  friend  or  re- 
lation ? 

THE  .KITCHENMAID.  No,  mum,  thank  yer;  I  got 
no  relations  or  acquaintances  wotsoever. 

THE  COOK.     (To  the  KITCHENMAID,  smothering 
her  again)     'Ere,  don't  you  be  so  talkative. 
(The.  PARLOURMAID  returns.) 

THE  MISTRESS.    (To  PARLOURMAID)    Who  is  it? 

THE  PARLOURMAID.    Wrong  numbah. 
*  THE   MISTRESS.      (Going   to    the    fireplace    and 
'ing  to  the  mantelpiece)     Gur-r-r-rh! 

THE  MASTER.  (Coming  to  the  middle  of  the 
room)  Curse  that  Exchange  of  ours! 

THE  PARLOURMAID.  (Coldly)  I  have  just  done  so. 

THE  HOUSEMAID.     (Shuddering)     Ho! 

THE  PARLOURMAID.  (Reseating  herself)  Where- 
ah  are  we  ? 

THE  MASTER.  (His  hand  to  his  brow)  .Where 
are  we? 

THE  PARLOURMAID.     Where-ah  have  we  got  to? 

THE  MASTER.'  (Wearily)  To  the  discovery  of 
the  pleasing  circumstance  that  Evelyn — (Looking 
at  the  settee)  who  was  here  a  minute  ago — that 
Evelyn  is  potentially  a  patron  of  the  Drama.  (The 
door  reopens  and  the  ODD  MAN  appears  again.  He 
is  carrying  a  pail  of  water,  some,  dusters,  and  his 
leather.  He  closes  the  door  softly  and  goes  towards 
the  window.  The  MASTER  reels  against  the  break- 
fast-table} — ! 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Turning)     Merciful  Powers! 

THE  MASTER.  (Intercepting  the  ODD  MAN  and 
bringing  him  forward)  Blizzard 

THE  ODD  MAN.     Gale,  sir.     Think  of  wind. 

.    MASTER.     I   do;,  but  mere   wind  seems  to 
-s  the  situation  i;  (  Pointing  to  the 

pail)     What's  this? 


PLAYGOERS  -7 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (Depositing  the  pail  upon  the 
floor  and  producing  his  paper)  Where's  .my  list  o' 
dooties? 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Sitting  in  the  chair  on  the  left. 
of  the  breakfast-table  and  clasping  her  temples) 
Oh,  Ernest ! 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (Indicating,  with  a  dirty  fore- 
finger, an  instruction  in  his  paper)  See  year. 

THE  MASTER.  (Blinking  at  the  paper)  The  words 
swim  before  me. 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (Reading)  "  Thursday/'  What's 
to-day  ? 

THE  MASTER.     Thursday. 

THE  ODD  MAN.  "  Thursday."  (Pointing  to  in- 
structions on  paper}  "  Clean  mornin'-room  wind- 
ers." (He  replaces  the  paper  in  his  pocket  and  is 
about  to  pick  up  the  pail) 

THE  MASTER.  (Touching  the  ODD  MAN'S 'arm, 
with  terrible  calmness)  No.  You  have  conquered 
by  the  aid  of  fate  and  a  superior  intelligence.  Sit 
down.  You  are  a  regular  servant. 

(Displaying  great  alacrity,  the  ODD  MAN  takes  the 
chair  from  before  the  writing-table  and  seats  him- 
self by  the  PARLOURMAID.  The  MASTER  sits  in  the 
.  chair  at  the  further  side  of  the  breakfast-table  and 
rests  his  head  upon  his  hands) 
THE  USEFUL  MAID.  (Her  bosom  heaving) 

O'ho— o'ho— o'ho ! 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Stopping  her  ears)     Ah,  don't! 
THE  USEFUL  MAID.    Oh,  what  soft-heartedness ! 

O'ho 

THE  MISTRESS,     (Frantically)     Trinder ! 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.     (Her  sobs  subsiding)     O'ho 

—o'ho— o'ho ! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Sinking  back  in  her  chair,  ex- 
hausted) Oh! 

THE  ODD  MAN.     (After,  a  look  round,  coughing  to 


28  PLAYGOERS 

attract  the   MASTER'S  attention)     Ahem!     Ahem! 
May  I  ventcher  for  to  arsk ? 

THE  MASTER.  (Raising  his  head)  What  is  all 
this  year  about? 

THE  ODD  MAN.     Egactly,  sir. 

THE  MASTER.  (To  the  ODD  MAN)  I  will  answer 
your  question  with  another.  Are  you  a  playgoer? 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (Appealing  to  the  air)  Am  I  a 
playgoer!  (To  the  MASTER,  volubly)  Don't  my 
mother  keep  a  small  shop  in  Crawford  Street, 
Mary'bone,  an'  ain't  she  continu'ly  receivin  orders 
for  exhibitin'  the  theayter  bills? 

THE  MASTER.    Indeed? 

THE  ODD  MAN.    Yus,  indeed.     An'  the  wus  the 
failyers   at   the   theayters,   the   quicker   the   orders 
flows  in. 
XTIIE  MASTER.     Doubtless. 

THE  ODD  MAN.  Why,  lor'  bless  yer,  sir,  we 
liter'y  pray  for  fiarscos,  mother  an'  me  \^ 

THE  MASTER.  Enough.  I  am  satisfied  that  you 
are,  in  the  fullest  sense,  a  patron  of  the  Drama. 
(To  the  MISTRESS,  whose  eyes  are  closed)  My  darl- 
ing, cui  that  is  left  to  do,  it  seems  to  me,  is  to  com- 
plete the  arrangements  for  the — er— approaching 
festivity. 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (Joyously)  What!  (Slapping 
his  thigh)  Do  I  guess  right!  Is  there  a  beano  on? 

THE  MASTER.  ( To  the  ODD  MAN  )  You  are  cor- 
rect in  your  surmise.  There  is  a  beano  on.  (To 
the  MISTRESS)  Norma ? 

THE  COOK.  (As  the  MISTRESS  opens  her  eyes) 
Apolergizin'  for  the  interruption — 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Shutting  her  eyes  again,  fee- 
bly) Oh! 

THE  COOK.  Apolergizin'  for  the  interruption,  as 
Worringham  ain't  to  be  one  o'  the  party,  she  will  be 
able  to  mind  the  'ouse  durin'  our  absences  an'  warm 
our  suppers. 


PLAYGOERS  29 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (Following  the  proceedings 
with  the  keenest  interest)  'Ear,  'ear ! 

THE  HOUSEMAID.  (To  the  COOK,  bridling)  Ho, 
no,  she  won't ;  cert'nly  not ! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Again  opening  her  eyes)  That 
is  for  me  to  decide. 

THE  HOUSEMAID.  (To  the  MISTRESS)  Begging 
your  pardon,  m'm,  but  I  never  said  I  wasn't  ready 
to  sacrifice  my  priv'it  feelings  and  beliefs,  and  to 
go  to  the  theatre,  to  oblige. 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Rallying)     To  oblige ! 

THE  MASTER.    Oblige? 

THE  HOUSEMAID.  (To  the  MASTER)  Yes,  sir, 
for  the  sake  o'  my  feller-servants  as  well  as  for 
yours  and  Mrs.  Dorrington's. 

THE  MASTER.    For  the  sake  of  your ? 

THE  HOUSEMAID.  To  give  the  party  an  air  of 
respectability,  as  it  wear. 

THE  COOK.     Respectability! 
'TiiE  PARLOURMAID.     Respectability! 

THE  COOK.      (To  the  PARLOURMAID)      I'd   'ave 

you  know,  Miss  Grace  Worringham 

-Tine  PARLOURMAID.    Insulting  cat ! 

THE  ODD  MAN.     (Softly)     Order,  order! 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  (Weeping)  O'ho,  what  dis- 
sensions !  O'ho ! 

THE  KITCHEN  MAID.  (Endeavoring  to  bring  her- 
self into  view)  'Ere  lem'me  say  somethink ! 

THE  COOK.  (To  the  KITCHENMAID)  You  shut 
up,  Evelyn  Platch. 

THE  PARLOURMAID.     (Derisively)  He,  he,  he,  he ! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Struggling  to  her  feet)  Stop ! 
Stop !  (The  telephone-bell  ring's  again)  Tele- 
phone ! 

THE  PARLOURMAID.    (Rising)    Damn  the  'phone  ! 

THE  MISTRESS.     Beechcroft! 

THE  HOUSEMAID,  (Clapping  her  hand  to  her 
heart}  Ho!  Ho,  my  goodness! 


® 


PLAYGOERS 


(The  PARLOURMAID  stalks  out.) 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Leaning  upon  the  breakfast- 
table,  panting)  You — you'll  drive  me  into  a  luna- 
tic asylum,  amongst  you! 

THE  MASTER.  (Rising  and  approaching  the  MIS- 
TRESS) My  darling,  you  must  not  agitate  yourself 
-  (Barking  his  shin  against  the  pail)  Oh 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Sympathetically)     Oh,  Ernie! 

THE  MASTER.  (In  great  pain)  Ah!  (Picking 
up  the  pail)  Tsss ! 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (To  the  MASTER,  net  stirring) 
Now  you  see,  sir,  'ow  easy  accidents  'appen  to  us 
dermestics.  On'y  yusterday 

THE  MASTER.  (To  the  MISTRESS)  You  must  not 
agitate  yourself  in  this  way,  Pussy.  (Wincing) 
Your  original  plan — tell  them 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Advancing  to  the  SERVANTS) 
My  plan  is,  not  to  send  you  all  to  the  theatre  on  the 
same  night,  but  in  botches 

THE  MASTER.     (Close  behind  tier)     Batches. 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  MASTER,  on  the  verge  of 
tear*s)  Oh.  don't  catch  me  up  so!  (To  servants) 
Mrs.  Hacket  and  her  nephew,  Evelyn  and  Trinder 
are  to  go  first ;  Worringham,  Beechcrof  t  and  her 

friend,  and — and — and (To  the  MASTER) 

what's  his  name? 

THE  MASTER.     (Savagely)     Typhoon 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To.  the  servants)  Typhoon — 
(darting  a  glance  of  reproach  at  the  MASTER)  no, 
it  isn't! — (pointing  to  the  ODD  MAN)  and  him  the 
second  night. 

THE  MASTER.  (To  the  MISTRESS)  He  the  sec- 
ond night 

THE  MISTRESS.    (To  the  MASTER)    Don't! 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (To  the  MISTRESS)  Til  go  both 
nights,  m'm,  if  it'll  promote  'armony. 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  ODD  MAN)  You  shall 
do  nothing  of  the  sort! 


PLAYGOERS  31 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  (Weeping  copiously)  I'd 
stay  at  home  and  hot  up  the  suppers  with  glee. 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Frenzied)     Oh — 

THE  COOK.     Apolergizin'  for  the  interruption — 

THE  MISTRESS.     (To  the  COOK)     Noiv  what — ? 

THE  COOK.  Apolergizin'  for  the  interruption,  in 
all  good  'ouses,  whenever  there's  a  speshul  out,  the 
cook  goes  with  the  butler. 

THE  MISTRESS.    We  don't  keep  a  butler. 

THE  MASTER.     We  don't  keep  a  butler. 

THE  COOK.  (Emphatically)  An'  where  no  butler 
is  kep',  she  goes  with  the  parlourmaid. 

THE  MASTER.  (To  the  MISTRESS,  in  a  whisper) 
Rearrange  it !  Rearrange  it ! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  MASTER)  I  won't !  (To 
the  COOK,  fiercely)  Mrs.  Racket ! 

THE  COOK.  Oh,  I  mealy  stated  wot  is  custom'ry 
in  good  'ouses 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (To  the  MISTRESS)  Count  me 
as  the  butler,  m'h,  if  it'll  'elp  yer  out  of  yer  mess. 

THE  MISTRESS.  I  won't !  ( To  the  PARLOURMAID, 
who  reappears  at  this  juncture  and  returns  to  her 
chair)  Who  was  it? 

HE  PARLOURMAID.     (Distantly)     My  friend. 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  MASTER)  Our  telephone! 

THE  MASTER.  (Changing  places  with  the  MIS- 
PRESS— to  the  PARLOURMAID)  Impudence! 

THE  PARLOURMAID.     (To  the  MASTER)     Reahly! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Discovering  that  the  MASTER  is 
unthinkingly  carrying  the  pail  about  with  him — un- 
der her  breath)  Oh!  Ernest ! 

— -THE  PARLOURMAID.  (Seating  herself)  Where-ah 
are  we? 

THE  MASTER.     (To  the  PARLOURMAID)     Oh,  we 
can't  keep  on  going  back  for  you,  you  know . 
<ie { 

THE    MASTER.       (To    the     Mis';  his 

hr)     Hay  ? 


32  PLAYGOERS 

"~THE  PARLOURMAID.  (Deeply  injured)  Oh,  very 
well,  then  I  shall  lose  the  thread  of  it. 

THE  MASTER.  (To  the  PARLOURMAID)  All 
right,  then,  you've  got  to  lose  the  thread  of  it. 

THE  MISTRESS.     Ernest ! 

THE  MASTER.  (Turning  to  the  MISTRESS)  What 
•is  it? 

THE  MISTRESS.  -  (Looking  at  him  significantly) 
Pail! 

THE  MASTER.  (Self pityingly)  Pale,  am  I? 
(Passing  his  hand  across  his  face)  I  don't  wonder. 

THE  MISTRESS.  No,  no.  (Taking  the  pail  from 
him)  Give  it  to  me. 

THE  MASTER.     Oh, ! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (In  his  ear)  You  are  losing 
your  dignity.  (She  moves  away  with  the  pail  and 
stands'  it  upon  the  floor  between  the  fireplace  and 
the  breakfast-table.) 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (To  the  MASTER,  highly  tickled 
by  his  strange  behaviour)  Ho,  ho !  Fancy  you,  sir, 
walkin' 'about  with  a  pail  for  choice!  Ho,  ho,  ho! 
That  beats  me! 

THE  MASTER.    (Light-headedly)    Ha,  ha,  ha,  ha! 

THE  COOK.    Apolergizin'  for  the  interruption 

THE  MASTER.     (To  the  COOK)    Don't  mention  it. 

THE  COOK.  Apolergizin'  for  the  interruption, 
'pears  to  me  there  is  on'y  one  more  little  matter  to 
be  disposed  of. 

THE  MASTER.    One — more ? 

THE  COOK.  Wot  theatre,  an'  wot  play,  are  we  all 
to  be  packed  off  to? 

THE  MASTER.  Quite  so;  quite  so.  (Eyeing  the 
MISTRESS,  who,  with  a  look  of  leaden  apathy,  has 
sunk  down  upon  the  fauteuil-stool)  Dearest — : — ? 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  (With  a  wail)  O'hooo! 
I'm  for  a  hearty  laugh,  I  am. 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (Slapping  his  leg  again)  So'm 
M  So'm  I! 


PLAYGOERS  33 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  (Blubbering')  I  was  always 
celebrated  for  my  gaiety  till  my  teeth  failed  me. 

THE  HOUSEMAID.     As  for  laughter,  nobody  can 
laugh    louder   than  •  what    I    can,    when   provoked. 
lightening  her  back}     The  play  I  will  not  con- 
to  witness  is  the  play  containin'  love  an'  passion. 

THE   KITCIIENMAID.      (Coming   to    the   surface 
.')     'Ere,  I've  no  sech  objection! 

THE  COOK.  (To  the  KITCHENMAID)  You  'old 
your  tongue,  Evelyn. 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (To  the  HOUSEMAID)  G'arn ! 
V)on't  be  so  simple.  They  on'y  pretend. 

THE  HOUSEMAID.  Pretend.  (Quiveringly)  I've 
heard.  Lips  glued  to  lips ! 

^...TiiE  PARLOURMAID.     (Icily)     If  I  may  pass  a  re- 
mark  

THE  MASTER.     (To  the  PARLOURMAID)  You  mav. 

THE  PARLOURMAID.  The  propah  thing  to  do  is  to 
wait  and  consult  my  friend. 

THE  HOUSEMAID.  (Witheringly)  Your  friend! 
(Sniffing)  Why  not  Mrs.  Hacket's  nephew  while 
you're  about  it ! 

COOK.     (To  HOUSEMAID)     Yus,  an'  w'y  not ! 

THE  HOUSEMAID.    Ho! 

IE    PARLOURMAID.     (Curling    her    Up    ai 
HOUSEMAID)     Cheek ! 

THE  COOK.  (To  thf  HOUSEMAID)  Utter  a  syller- 
ble  against  my  nephew ! 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (Pacifically)  Cookie,  cookie, 
cookies- ! 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  (Weeping)  O'ho !  Dissen- 
sion on  dissension ! 

THE  KITCHENMAID.     'Ere ! 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Rousing  herself)     Silence  1 

THE  MASTER.  .(To  the  MISTRESS,  helplessly) 
Norma ? 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Starting  up  and  advancing  to  the 
servants)  Now  understand  me  clearly,  once  and  for 


34  PLAYGOERS 

all.    You  servants  will  go  exactly  where  Mr.  Dor- 
rington  and  I  choose  to  send  you. 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (To  the  MISTRESS)  I  'aven't 
been  to  one  o'  the  'alls  lately,  m'm — — 

•THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  ODD  MAN)  Silence! 
(To  the  female  servants)  And  that  will  be  to  no 
entertainment  of  a  trivial  and  frivolous  character. 

THE  ODD  MAN.  (Urgently)  M^thCTtftftft  git  no. 
papef— for  lilt  'srtliv.  13****  *r+j**+*  AA\,  •v-fru/  ;4.  « 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  ODD  M-Arf)  Be  quiet! 
(To  the  female  servants)  What  you  will  see  is  a 
play  of  ideas,  something  to  stimulate  your  imagina- 
tions and  make  you  think. 

THE  COOK.  Ideers ! 

—  THE  PARLOURMAID.     (With  a  sickly  expression) 
Make  us  think ! 

THE  ODD  MAN.     (Gloomily)     Crikey! 

THE  MISTRESS.  A  slice  cut  clean  out  of  life,  in 
fact.  (Desperately)  You  follow  me? 

THE  HOUSEMAID.    Sounds  'orribly  crool. 

THE  KITCHENMAID.  (Awe-struck)  Does  that 
mean  that  knives  is  freely  used,  mum? 

THE  MISTRESS.  Not  necessarily — except  by  th<f 
Censor. 

THE  COOK.  (After  a  pause,  during  which  the  ser- 
vants look  at  each  other  inquiringly)  Well,  any'ow, 
gals,  it  strikes  me  we're  in  for  a  preshus  dull  evenin'. 

THE  MISTRESS.    (Throwing  up  her  arms)    Oh — ! 

THE  MASTER.    (  Who  has  been  fuming  at  the  back 

of  the  room)    Oh !    (Coming  to  grief  over  the 

pail  again  as  he  hurries  to  the  MISTRESS)    Dash  and 
blow! 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Turning  to  him)     Ernest! 

THE  MASTER.  (Limping  towards  her)  Ah'.Tsss! 
(Shaking  his  fist  at  the  COOK)  You— you — you  ill- 
conditioned,  odious  old  woman! 

THE  COOK.    Odious! 

THE  MISTRESS.     ( To  the  COOK)     Odious ! 


PLAYGOERS  35 

THE  COOK.    Old ! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (To  the  COOK)  You  told  me 
YOU  were  forty.  Forty! 

THE  MASTER.    (Rubbing  his  leg)    Fifty  if  she  s  a 

day! 

THE  COOK.  (To  the  MISTRESS)  L  was  forty  a 
week  ago,  before  I  entered  your  service.  This  is 
the  lars'  stror.  I  leave  at  the  end  o'  my  month. 

THE  MISTRESS.    Do! 

THE  MASTER.    Do! 

THE  COOK.  An*  wot's  more,  I  take  my  kitchen- 
maid  with  me. 

THE  MISTRESS.     Certainly. 

THE  MASTER.    Certainly. 
•~"THE  PARLOURMAID.     /  leave  also. 

THE  HOUSEMAID.    An'  me. 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.    An  me. 

VTuE  PARLOURMAID.  I  reahly  couldn't  remain  in 
a  place  where-ah  changes  are  so  frequently  made. 
Most  disadvantageous. 

THE  HOUSEMAID.  Nor  I  where  such  langwidge  is 
spoke  as  'as  been  spoke  this  morning  in  my  hearing. 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.  (Weeping)  To  be  thrown 
wtih  a  strange  set  o'  girls  after  being  p-p*perfectly 
happy  with  this  set  'ud  be  more  than  I  could  bear. 

O'ho—o'ho ! 

THE  MISTRESS.     (Hysterically)     Ha,  ha,  ha,  ha! 
(To  the  MASTER)     And  this — ha,  ha! — and  this  is 
the  result  of  my  new  system !    Ha,  ha,  ha,  ha ! 
(Led  by  the  COOK,  all  the  female  servants  rise,  the 
COOK  clutching  the  KITCHEN  MAID.) 

THE  COOK.  (To  the  -MISTRESS)  Noo  systum, 
yer  call  it!  A  nice  noo  systum!  I  'ope  it'll  be  a 
iess'n  to  you  both,  not  to  treat  fus'-clars  servants 
patronizin'ly  an'  condescendingly. 

THE  MASTER.    (Advancing)    Oh,  go  to  the  devil ! 

THE  COOK.  (To  the  MASTER)  At  any  rate,  with 
'im  I  shouldn't  'ave  the  constant  complaints  I've 


36  PLAYGOERS 

n  this  'ouse  about  there  hein'  no 
the  baths. 
THE  MISTRESS.     (To.  the  MASTER)     Yah-h-h-h! 

v  we've  laid  ourselves  open  to  repartee! 
THE  COOK.     (To  the  servants}     Come  'long,  an' 

resoom  our  lunches. 
(^hc  female  servants  make  for  the  door,  murmuring 

as  they  go.) 
THE   KITCHENMAID.      '(Still  in   the  grip   of  the 

K,  sullenly)     'Ere,  I  dun'no  where  I  am! 
THE  HOUSEMAID.  I  had  a  foreboding  I'd  got  with 
olute  people,  from  the  first. 

THE  USEFUL  MAID.     O'ho — o'ho ! 

'  THE   PARLOURMAID.     Shouldn't  be  surprised   if 
this  exhilarates  my  marriage. 

THE  COOK.     Odious!    An'  old!     Ho,  ho,  ho! 
(They  take  their  departure  and  the  door  is  closed 

with  a  slam.) 
THE  MISTRESS.      (Clinging  to  the  MASTER  and 

breaking  down)     Oh-h-h ! 

THE  MASTER.  Never  mind,  Pussy;  never  mind. 
Pluck  up. 

THE  MISTRESS.  (Crying  upon  his  shoulder) 
Oh !  Oh !  Oh  !  All  the  ground  to  go  over  again ! 
All  over  again ! 

V  become  conscious  that  they  are  not  alone,  and 
that  the  ODD  MAN  is  standing  by  the  settee  and 
regarding  them  benevolently.) 
THE  MASTER.    (To  the  MISTRESS,  hoarsely)    No; 
not  all! 

THE  MISTRESS.  (In  a  whisper)  The  Odd  Man! 
(Very  quietly  she  fetches  the  pail  and  hands  it  to 

the  MASTER.) 

THE  MASTER.     (Presenting  it  to  the  ODD  MAN, 
ingratiating  smile)     Allow  me 

THE  END. 


